Woah … what an amazing year so far! Bringing a little being into the world and entering full-time (and overtime!) mothering has been a whirlwind of change. There’s so much heart-opening delight, and also some surprising challenges. At first, I was doubtful about ever being ready to return to work, but as it turns out, that need for total attachment seems to stretch wider and wider as she grows. So now, here I am – totally ready and excited about coming back to clinic and seeing all of you again!
I thought you may like to catch up with me and I’ll share some of the delights and challenges of my life as a mum.
When Zella was a newborn, I suffered for a few weeks with the winds of every opinion swaying me one way or another, until I finally found a sense of confidence to make my own way and my own mistakes. In the storm of postnatal newborn life, I felt broken. My strong sense of self was shattered, along with my physical body, that felt so out of balance. I literally and figuratively couldn’t find my centre. But the beautiful thing about being broken down is that you get to rebuild anew, upcycle your foundations and make some conscious choices about the human, and the mother that you wish to become.
Suddenly the beautiful, intimate relationship with my husband had been converted into a little family, and the dynamics were strange, exciting and unknown. This stage forced Jeremy and me into greater interdependence. I had to clearly state my needs and ensure his needs were heard too. In the midst of the chaos of early parenthood, we ensured we kept checking in and staying connected. We were challenged, overtired and overstretched but we made sure our relationship remained paramount and unified. I remember at the 3 week mark being so angry at him, that I woke him up at 2am with: “I am so angry I can’t sleep next to you, so you have 2 choices: We can nut this out and resolve it now or you can sleep upstairs until we resolve it in the morning.” [We were co-sleeping with Zella, so it couldn’t be me going upstairs!] Bravely, he chose to resolve it then and there and we have slept peacefully ever since!
Every basic bodily function for Zella came with a heavy bag of other people’s ideas. Burping: “You must burp them every few minutes whilst they are feeding.” “No need to burp them until they pull off the breast.” “Mongolians never burp their babies.” “Hold them this way.” “No, that way.” “On your shoulder.” “Definitely, seated.” “No need to pat.” “You must pat.
And then the warnings came: “If you don’t follow what I say, you will suffer sleepless nights,. Crying, unsettled baby. She will be in pain….
And everyone’s sleep, routines and feeding ideas came faster and with more charge!
I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed, totally confused and guilty because whatever I was doing, was wrong by someone else’s standards, and the idea that I was doing harm to my precious baby was terrifying.
I soon learnt though, that I can bear the pain of making my own mistakes! Actually, I find it easier to bear making my own mistakes and staying authentic rather than feeling like I haven’t given myself or our child the justice of listening to my intuition.
Entering motherhood as an older mum has its advantages. Knowing myself a bit more means I can tap into my wisdom a bit easier. Knowing my boundaries and keeping them, knowing and valuing my needs… all of this gives me more space to enjoy getting to know Zella as her personality emerges. Part of my job is to keep a conscious eye on myself and motherhood seems to trigger and expose plenty of shadows! I have learnt too, to value and engage in my relationship with Jeremy totally and never be too tired or fearful to resolve stuff as it comes up.
I have realized that the pain of lowering my standards can be reinterpreted as being more gentle and compassionate with myself. It was so so painful and difficult for me to let go of breastfeeding. Armed with all the knowledge about how beneficial it is for the bub, I labored so hard, for so many months uphill, through 3 little tongue surgeries, her rejection and battling against the breast, her refusing one of my breasts totally, me losing supply too many times and expressing endlessly to try get it back …. Uughhh … and I could not let it go …. There were so many tears from both of us. Finally, we both developed enough to be able to let it go. Something happened around her six month mark, where it felt less important and I could relax and let her off. We were both so relieved! I think if that were to happen again, I may be gentler on us earlier. Besides, I don’t think I could give that much energy to it if there were another kid to run around after!
Now, our darling Zella is eight months and a crawling, standing, bundle of joy. She beams at any rhythm and music, she smiles back to everyone, glows with each new taste, and never stops moving for a cuddle. She thinks I am a rock and her dad is a rock star. She loves being smothered by her grandparents and groped by all her cousins (most of the time!). The days with her move so slowly and yet the time will fly by. I am on one of the steepest learning curves of my life, which is thrilling and exhausting. I love being her mother. I feel so blessed.
Coming back to work, I feel like I have taken the greatest post-grad course in obstetrics and paediatrics. I have been putting into practice all the teachings, integrating what works for us and putting aside what doesn’t. I feel like I can bring more compassion and gentleness into my practice, as I have finally extended more of this towards myself.
I cant wait to see you all again! I’ll be back at the Red Tent on Thursdays from November 14. Until then, take care…
The beautiful pictures above are by http://
