Babies. They’re like a sledgehammer and the greatest joy you could ever imagine – all wrapped into one. They are so life-changing: they turn life as we know it completely on its head. And babies can change your marriage in ways you can never imagine.
My Dad kept saying to me with a chuckle, “Bec, you’re really in for a big change… it’s coming now.” And I kept saying, pre-first baby and heavily pregnant, “Yeah I know Dad and I’m ready, we are really ready for the next stage.” And I thought I was!
I have to say that so many of my clients feel the same way. I have these discussions with them as they’re lying on the acupuncture table. (I see so much more of them when they’re pregnant and less of them afterwards – for obvious reasons, ha ha.)
So here are some things to think about that have occurred to me, to Naomi (that other gorgeous Red Tent Mum who runs the Red Tent Health Centre with me), and to our clients. Just looking at this smattering of thoughts, there is a common thread of connection that binds us all together: we all love our children more than we ever thought possible and we would move heaven and earth for them.
11 Ways that Babies Can Change Your Marriage
1) All of a sudden you aren’t each other’s priority anymore – your little bundle is. Not only are you trying to work out how to feed them properly, change their nappy and put them to sleep, you’re trying to understand what all their cries mean and how best to respond because you have this in-built desire to sort them out asap.
2) Your darling husband/partner/lover will never really get what you’re going through. Sometimes when you’re right in the thick of all the emotional intensity it can be hard. Remember, this too will pass and it’s good they are so different – imagine the both of you with all those hormones!!
3) In the early days, even feeding yourself can be a challenge let alone having a dinner ready for when the breadwinner arrives home. Hello darling, how was your day? I was vomited on, pooed on, weed on, haven’t had time for a shower and there was lots of crying, from both of us, but other than that I’m doing great!
4) Leaving the house won’t be as simple as it used to be (unless you go on date night, just the two of you). Otherwise you’ll be taking half of your house with you… your must-have pram, a baby carrier in case bub just can’t do the pram today, a nappy bag filled to the brim, your boobs or a bottle, wraps, dummies, toys… the list goes on. Everyone has their special list of “must haves” when exiting the home.
5) You’ll have to diarise in some intimate time and then when it gets there, you’ll be too tired to function or awoken by your sleeping bundle just as you’re starting to really get into it.
6) Having a divine little being who you’ve both created will bring out the best in you… but also the worst. No one escapes the sleep deprivation and thank God you can eventually forget what that feels like, which is why the human race keeps populating. It will affect both of you and your emotions will be more raw than usual.
7) You’ll also most likely be flung into a kind of isolation bordered by the four walls of your house and you’ll feel an even greater need to get out. I’ve spoken to so many women on this topic – that feeling that we were meant to bring up children in tribes, not by ourselves alone inside for hours at a time, with a mountain of chores and no one to talk to. That can be hard for your partner to understand or relate to as so often they are still engaged in their same life before baby, whereas you are not.
8) Mother’s groups and friends with babies of a similar age will become enormously important – and this is good – this parenting thing was not supposed to be done by Mum and Dad alone.
9) People who come to visit and bring food will walk into your house with beaming light all around them. You will know that they understand and you’ll be so incredibly grateful. If this isn’t happening so much for you, then you may want to consider doing a cook-off with hubby on the weekend and freezing meals for yourselves for the week to take the pressure off. Or if anyone asks what they can do… say bring food! Make some warm nourishing meals for you – it can be hard to ask but now is the time.
10) Mothers, mothers-in-law or friends who come to clean and wash for you will suddenly look like they have angel wings on their backs – because they do! And if they don’t arrive, or they’re not that kind of person, then an important chat with hubby must occur (if it hasn’t already) about hiring a cleaner.
11) There’s the marital bed issue. I say – let it not be an issue. There are just so many ways this can end up and that just keeps changing as the days, months and years roll on. It’s most important to talk about both of your needs as a couple and work out what is going to suit you and your bundle the best.
Overall, the roles of Mum and Dad are so incredibly different – especially in those early days. For many women it can be quite a shock. Usually we are living our own lives and not so closely involved with mothers if we are not one yet. Often the roles that were quite set in the relationship prior to having a baby change so much afterwards and that can be very destabilising for women.
The important thing is to talk about it with your partner, your family and friends. And if that doesn’t feel right or it’s not helping, then getting the support you need to transition can be incredibly healing and ultimately transforming.
Having children can bring up so much unconscious stuff about our own childhoods and that can also have an impact on our relationship with our partner as well as our children. All of the “work” you do on yourself will not only help your relationship but it will help you and ultimately your children. It’s never a waste and it really can help to “fill up your tank” again.
Things like seeing a psychologist, having a massage, getting some acupuncture, seeing a nutritionist… all of these things can help strengthen you as a person and as a mum. After all, it’s such an important job, caring for the next generation – it deserves a whole lot of respect and support in whatever way feels right for you.
Book an appointment online today or contact us for more information.